Abandonment…

Suicide.

I know it’s a dark subject and touches into the deepest space of some people reading this but it’s a place I need to go, unfortunately.

Because I am human I have put myself into some incredibly difficult situations (and still do) and at times suicide has looked like the only way to get out of the hole. To understand where I am now you need to know just how deep that hole has got at times. I have survived those times and because I have it is my responsibility to give hope to the living.

Well that’s how I see it, anyway.

So I am going to be taking some time now and then on this journey to sit under the suicide tree and to talk about how it has affected me from both sides. I won’t be taking any sides or making any judgements (that’s just not my style). If my writing seems disjointed, flitting between cruel, angry, sad or sarcastic, then I apologise… That is the nature of the topic.

Well that’s how I have lived it, anyway.

One of those times was in the May of 2004. At the time it seemed that every time I almost managed to get my shit together, it would all crumble apart. I did not see the dark parts of my previous pedistilled life – It seemed to be a pretty good place and very, very far away from where I was at that moment.

Having just been rejected by, who I saw at the time, as the only person who loved me or understood me, didn’t help… I felt very, very alone.

TO THOSE WHO THINK THEY SAW ME…

I wish you had met me a year ago…
Man, I was a god!
I spoke to Jesus
Walked on water
Moved mountains
Floated

I wish you had met me a year ago…
God, I was a man!
Made love all night
All day too
Wrote books
Inspired

I wish you had met me six months ago…
Man, I met a God!
He opened my eyes
Opened my heart
Allowed repentance
Forgave

I wish you had met me six months ago…
God, I met a man!
Who found the One
That found him
Was home
Loved

I wish you had met me three months ago…
When I paved new roads!
When all was good
All seemed possible
All was
Whole

I wish you had met me three months ago…
When I rode on pavements!
And stopped looking back
Did it all
My way
Only

I’m glad you DIDN’T meet me a month ago…
When I stopped finally dreaming!
But still kept hurting
And not changing
Love’s train
Derailed

I’m glad you didn’t meet me a month ago…
When the dreams finally stopped!
And truth set in
Ghosts came home
Friends left
Abandoned

I’m glad you didn’t see me an hour ago…
When the truth eventually daunted!
I’m nothing but karma
Abandon all hope
Ye who
Enter

I’m glad you didn’t see me an hour ago…
When the daunting eventually truthed!
And I sat crying
Pills in hand
Cowardly option?
Reality!

~ by Norm on July 7, 2010.