A woman longing…
My goal with this blog has always been that it may bring hope to those that feel like they are alone… Dealing with something that only they seem to be dealing with.
Naturally that has put me in contact with a lot of amazing people who love to share their thoughts with me. Their stories. Some of them are very gifted writers who don’t even know how gifted they are. This poem is from one of them… A divorced mother. It is anonymous but it is, hopefully, a first step… I am working on getting her to write more publicly. Because she definitely has a story worth hearing.
And it is as intriguing and as beautiful as she is…
I AM NOT DONE LONGING YET…
I’ve had a few years of recovery time…
First building the strength and courage to take a stand against being manipulated and abused
A painful mourning of the loss of what I had always thought my life should be:
a devoted mother; a loved wife; a happy family
Guilt that I have broken the family my children need and deserve
Nightmares of being trapped; and unable to protect my children who are crying out in pain
Anxiety and depression that threaten to smother me or send me jumping off the ever turning planet
Waves of challenges and responsibilities threatening to overwhelm and drown me
Inadequacy and self-doubt building layer upon layer of protective walls around my soul, trapping me
Loneliness of another Friday evening sunset that tears my heart into pieces
Tears that flow until my head and chest ache while I watch a sad, romantic or happy movie
Reaching for comfort food, wine, anti-anxiety pills, anything to numb the pain a little
Nights of sleeplessness
Days of exhaustion
Always appearing to everybody to be fine and strong and coping well
Every day I wake up and do what I need to do to take care of my children
I learn to focus on my work, pushing debilitating emotions aside for a few hours so that I am not incompetent
Every interaction with him that stabs into my heart flooding me with inadequacy and scrambling my brain, becoming a little easier
I choose to be, at least in body at first, with family and friends when my instinct is to bury myself where even I wont find me
I choose to do the things that I know keep me alive, even on the days it does not feel they can:
I dance, I sing, I drink coffee with friends, I see the beauty in small everyday things
I tackle head-on my financial, administrative and legal situation, and survive, and start to feel stronger
I learn to accept the help, support and love of friends
And slowly, slowly, slowly as the weeks and months pass I start to relax
And connect a little more openly and honestly
I start to be able to feel my fears and sadness, and they do not drown me
I start to like to be quietly alone!
I start to feel OK to be me
Most of the time
And I start to allow myself to want
I want to look and feel good in my body
Although I often betray myself
I want to challenge my mind and contribute something meaningful to my profession
I want to pray for my children knowing the gentle power of my petitions heard
I want to travel to new and interesting places
With somebody that I can share the beauty and wonder with
I want to sit on the patio drinking wine at our braai
With somebody that I can share my dreams and doubts with and be intrigued and feel tenderness and care to hear his
I want to drive many hours on the open road with my hand on his leg listening to music that one or both of us likes
Singing even louder when he raises his eyebrows and smiles with a pained expression when I sing along to one of my old favourite tunes
I want to have a chest to bury my head in when I need a little comfort
I want to walk through the mall holding hands
I want to make love all through the night, fall asleep in his arms and wake up to love some more
I want to share a dream
And make plans to realise it
I want to be proudly by his side at his family and professional functions
I want to know that there is somebody waiting to make sure I get home safely when I am out at night
I want to make shared memories that we come to cherish
I want to love again
Freely, passionately and without restraint
And to be loved
To have a deep gentle special connection with a somebody special
A connection that has a lot of space and smiles
That allows me to continue to be me more and more
In which I can delight in him being him more and more
And yes…
I have had been blessed to have many of these things at times
Good times
And yes…
I know there should always be times and spaces of being alone
Sometimes that aloneness will be sought after and healing
Sometimes it may be painfully lonely
And I know that I will continue to focus on my work
And care physically and emotionally for my children
I will continue to do the things my soul resonates with: singing, dancing,
running, playing with my children, seeing exquisite beauty in an unexpected small everyday thing, connecting with family and friends
I know that loving has its seasons and the risk of inevitable hurts as these change
I know that, ups and downs, I will be OK
But I long for more
For a someone special to come home to after the aloneness, work or play
In this season
I don’t know if I am not yet whole enough or ready for this
Or if it is an unrealistic dream that is just not meant for me
That would be OK
I don’t know whether what I long for is an ever shifting mirage that will turn out over and over again to be a muddy puddle reflecting my idealistic dreams
I don’t think (and hope!) that I am desperate or searching
But rather just being in a receptive space, because
I am not content to settle for the longing; that’s just not it, and
I am not done longing yet…
Excellent!