A gypsy heart…
I suffer from extreme restlessness. It’s not contagious as far as I know and, all the good and bad taken into account, it has probably been good for me. But it certainly hasn’t always brought happiness to those around me.
I could probably only try to describe it as a feeling that I have lived with my whole life that there is something bigger out there. That everything is as it is meant to be, for now, but not how it is meant to stay. I have had enough glimpses of it to know that it exists… The glimpses have come in the moment I have closed the file on an awesome design project and wished that every design could leave me feeling like that. It has come sitting on top of a cliff looking over Lake Nakuru in Kenya and crying with the breathless beauty of it and wishing I never had to leave that spot. It has come waking up in the morning next to a beautiful naked woman, feeling her snuggled into me and wishing the sun would never rise.
And it comes to me in dreams. Every night.
The dark black of it is that I have an inbred fearlessness to pursue the next big thing. I have tried to shut the desire into a room of denial but I always manage to create doors within my mind that my heart happily walks through. It is a journey that has cost me every significant relationship, every place I have ever called home and every job. It has got me labelled as disloyal, incapable of committing, easily bored and a gypsy.
The bright orange of it is that I have always lived beyond the limitations of my belief in myself. I have had the most incredible jobs, vastly different and never boring. I have travelled to the most amazing places and I have met the most amazingly beautiful people, vastly different and never boring. I have had the privilege of making countless mistakes, of saying sorry and picking up the pieces. I have sung where most would not even dare speak, I have laughed where most would not dare smile and I have loved where most would be too scared off by the layers of protection to see beyond them.
There is a hope that I will one day find the big things. The things that will find a peace for my restless soul. My restless heart, my restless mind, my restless desire. I am sure, though, that this constant pursuit will eventually leave me very much alone, though… Having ended up after an incredible journey very much alone and very much a gypsy.
Not all gypsies can read palms…
But we sure know how to hold hands.
In time you will realise that home is simply where you are at any given time, your children are your base.
I have also always been the one to leave, the one to feel the lesser hurt, I once stayed too long and that was a dis-service to him.
I also used to wonder about being lonely when I was older, until I realised that I might not get older, that my path is alone but seldom lonely, that amazing people and places keep me company at times.
Scared to commit? Hell who knows, but I haven’t been proved wrong yet
If ever you feel like a hand to hold, for a little while, I will be around, somewhere, home.